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| Children and Divorce |
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CHILDREN AND DIVORCE
Whether it is contested or uncontested, amicable or not, divorce is difficult for everyone involved because your family is
going through a huge transition. While this may be a necessary road to
travel, getting there will be fraught with challenges. One of the most
difficult challenges is how to minimize the trauma and impact the
divorce will have on your children. These are just a few guidelines:
1.
Children need to know that both parents love them unconditionally, and
that that will not change. Reassure them that they are free to love both parents, and that doing so is not a sign
of disloyalty or disrespect to the other. Let your kids know, by both
words and actions, that they can express their love for the other parent
in your presence. Even if you are the only parent doing this, trust
me, it will only strengthen your bond with your children.
2.
Be honest with your children. Children of divorce are often wise beyond
their years, and if you sugar coat what is about to happen to
their family, you may lose credibility. Confirm what they already probably know, that their world is about to change in ways both big and small. The time they spend
with both parents will be different, they may have to move, they may
have to change schools, and the family finances may change. Reassure
them that while it may be hard, change also has the potential to be
positive. Let them know that you will do your best to make the
transitions as smooth as possible, and that both parents will be there to support them through the transitions.
3. Never ever speak
negatively about the other parent, no matter what you really feel or
think. Let's face it, you will be frustrated and angry at times at the
other parent, and your children may be the only ones close enough to you
to hear it. Don't let it happen - ever - no matter what. Let you
children be the ultimate judge of their parent's behavior; if you vent
your anger in front of the children, it will only hurt the kids,
and make you eventually look like the bad parent. Let your children
learn for themselves; if the other parent really is just that bad,
eventually, the children will recognize her or him for what he or she
is. In the meantime, encourage the best possible relationship between
the children and their other parent.
4. Make sure that your children understand
that they are not responsible for the divorce, and the reason it is
happening is nothing that they need to be concerned about. Let them know that sometimes,
no matter how hard you try, things just do not work out, but no matter
what, they are loved.
5. Put away all the paperwork
associated with the divorce in a place your children cannot find it,
and never, ever discuss the details of the divorce process with the
children.
6. The children are not messengers or covert
operators. If you have to send a message or deliver a support check, put
it in the mail or send a note. Do not use the kids as the conduit to
your future ex-spouse. Do not ask them questions with
the intention to gather information about the new car or new
boyfriend/girlfriend. Do not ask them if their parent asked about
you. It does not matter.
7. If the children are having a
hard time, or they are acting out at home or at school, do not blame the
other parent. Rather, remind yourself that this is traumatic for
everyone. It is normal for kids to act out when their world is turning
upside down. You should seriously consider hiring a therapist or counselor.
Your children may not be able to discuss their feelings with you, sometimes because they are worried about you, your
reaction, or causing you more worry or hurt. It may do them a world of
good to have an uninvolved third party to speak to about their feelings
and needs. This is especially true for tweens and teens.
You may
not be able to change the fact that your family is about to change
dramatically, but you can ease the process for your children in a way
that helps them weather the storm and still feel safe and secure. Trust
your instincts, but do not be afraid to ask for help if you need it.
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